Birds aren’t real

All birds were killed and replaced with robot spies by the CIA

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TikTokker Kendrick Smith figured out the truth about birds, that all birds were killed and replaced with robot spies by the CIA.

Quinn Franken, JagWire reporter/photographer

“Birds work for the bourgeoisie.” It started as a harmless TikTok. A silly video that meant nothing, right? Wrong. Tik Tok star Kendrick Smith has unlocked a whole new world of conspiracies surrounding the feathery creatures flying above us, most of them exposing the dark side of government.

All of the conspiracies follow the same general idea: the government replaced all of the birds in the U.S. with drones to watch Americans. While this idea is already convincing enough to some, others are hung up on the question of “why?” Here’s why.

It all started in 1947, the year the Central Intelligence Agency was founded, according to birdsarentreal.com. The CIA was founded to watch and monitor suspected communists. Five years after this system was put in place, only a few suspected communists were caught, but by this time it was evident that communism was on the rise and a larger, more effective system was needed to track everybody.

After six years, 15% of the bird population had been wiped out and millions of bird drones had been released.”

In 1953, Allen Dulles became the first civilian director of the CIA and had a mission to amplify the surveillance system, so he talked to the current president, Dwight D. Eisenhower. His plan was to put cameras in the sky. Eisenhower agreed and told him to come back when he had an idea of how to execute his plan. 

Dulles went to his close advisors to discuss their master plan. Dulles and all of the other team members hated birds with a passion, often calling them “the scum of the skies.” Birds often pooped on their cars, and it made Dulles furious. This was honestly his main reason for wanting to get rid of birds. Killing all the birds in the U.S. and installing the most advanced surveillance system was a double whammy for him.

Now, on to how the murders of 12 billion birds took place. In 1957, Dulles was told to transfer $65 billion of public health funds to his surveillance plan. Dulles met with a man that worked for the Boeing Airplane Company and ordered 120 B-52 bombers. The airplanes were to be kept a secret from Americans, so Dulles ordered their assembly to take place at Area 51.

Engineers designed a new version of the B-52 at Area 51. In the new planes, 450-gallon tanks replaced the bomb compartments, and advanced technology was installed that allowed the pilots to track flocks of birds. The entire plane was painted jet black and all the lights were taken off so that the plane could fly at night and not be seen. 

After two years of constructing the planes, the murder mission was executed. The 450-gallon tanks in the planes were filled with bird poison that would be sprayed into the sky late at night. The spray would infect birds as soon as it touched their feathers, kill them and making their bodies decompose within 24 hours. The poison dissolved before it hit the ground, therefore causing no harm to humans.

After six years, 15% of the bird population had been wiped out and millions of bird drones had been released. By this time President John F. Kennedy had taken office and had no idea about the mass murder of birds taking place because the CIA kept everything a secret. Even the pilots of the planes releasing the poison didn’t know what they were doing. They thought they were just watering the entire country. 

Eventually, President Kennedy found out about the plan and was appalled by it. Dulles tried to convince him to keep the project going by showing him a prototype of a bird. Kennedy was impressed, but still demanded Dulles stop the bird murders. Less than a month later, Kennedy was killed. 

This sequence of events is very suspicious causing many people to suspect Kennedy was killed by the CIA Kennedy has been the only president to stand up for the birds and he ended up dead. If this makes you question the government, good. After the death of Kennedy, the plan to replace all birds was amped up. Eventually, all birds were replaced with drones.

Nearly 60 years later, TikTokker Kendrick Smith figured out the truth about birds and the CIA and is enlightening the world. Remember to question everything and remember what Smith said best, “The birds work for the bourgeoisie.”

Disclaimer: This article is satire.

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